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    ShareThis Jim Sullivan is a gay-dating coach. But there's something of the religious fanatic in him, too. After all, he was a Christian Brother and also a teacher, guidance counselor, and principal before he found his true calling ministering to Manhattan's gay, single, and suffering. Right now he's coaching me at Big Cup, the cruisey coffeehouse in Chelsea that can put even the most confident gay single guy on edge.

    But for me, it's more like bird-watching. I am most intrigued by a redheaded-woodpecker guy on the couch. But the raven-haired writer at the table by the men's room is cute, too. Jim has heard this hundreds of times before. I focus on the writer by the restrooms. We have liftoff, I think, so now Jim hands me his list of icebreakers.

    It includes "I'd like to take those eyes home with me," "I love your Fire Island T-shirt," and "Weren't you in the marathon last year? Quite simply, though, I can't stand up. I'm absolutely paralyzed with fear. What's up with gay men anyway? Why, in this open, accepting society, are we so screwed up about dating that Brad Gooch had to publish a book last year called Finding the Boyfriend Within?

    Jim, whose business is called Dating Strategies, has his theories, and none of them make reference to Sex and the City because he finds men-with-men a completely different situation from men-with-women. That's why you see attractive women with guys with bellies. Gay men have more anxieties because they had no support while dating as teenagers. Now, even with great bodies and careers, they are so inept at dating that it can put them in tears. But I believe meeting potential boyfriends is a technology that men can learn.

    Most men come to the Big Cup to meet somebody, but they have no idea how to do it. Once more, Jim suggests I go over and try an icebreaker. I force myself up, and then, dammit, sail right past him into the bathroom, lock the door, and bang my fist against the sink. In the mirror I see that my pupils are dilated, as if I were on acid. With a deep breath, I yank open the door, storm out of the bathroom, linger for a second, then hit him with my well-crafted icebreaker.

    He slams his notebook closed, mumbles, and then resumes writing as if I weren't there. I scamper back to my perch.

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    But when I tell Jim what happened, his face lights up. But he's proud of me and wants to know how I'm feeling.

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    Like a booby and a failed hawk, I'm afraid, but also giddy as a dog chasing squirrels. Jim, who teaches everything from "spiritual dating" to "romantic obsession" in his formal seminars, leans in.

    A minute later a brown-haired cutie-bird is alighting near us with a copy of Time. Jim gives me a conspiratorial nod.

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