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    Every year an equal number of Jewish boys and girls are born — but something years later, there are far more chuppah-minded women than men.

    The shortage of marriageable Jewish men is well-known, but the mystery of their disappearance remains unsolved for most of us. So what are we supposed to do about that? Western society seems to think the solution is to just give up on commitment and let boys be boys. How does it affect men when we look at them like that? How does it affect women? What are we supposed to make of the fact that for the first time in history, there are more single than married women in the United States, and — astoundingly — one in three babies in the United States is born to an unwed mother?

    Generally, she is not the one schlepped screaming and kicking into commitment. She cares, so she is already there. But what does she do if wearing her heart on her sleeve is a great way to get it broken? And that male world is not a fun place to be.

    When men are repeatedly told how not much is expected of them, sometimes they sink deep into the quicksand of hedonistic self-serving self-service. To my mind, the biggest tragedy had already happened: Love requires vulnerability, but it is dangerous to make yourself vulnerable to someone who is focused not on you but on fulfilling his own needs.

    Perhaps not being in a relationship at all is preferable to agonizing over trying to move a brick wall. No one enjoys having his or her most vulnerable self trampled upon. The Making of a Man Judaism has a completely different view of what a man is. The Hebrew word for man is gever. Gever shares the same root as the word gevurah, strength. In Judaism, being a man is about being disciplined, focused, responsible and committed.

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    Taking care of a family — taking responsibility, being committed to the people in his care, putting their needs first — is what makes a man into a man. While it may not be good for women when men wait until they are 35 to settle down, for men it is disastrous: Leonard Sax, in his book Boys Adrift, describes an interesting scenario. Three researchers were sent by the Ford Foundation to observe a classroom in an all-boys school with a male teacher.

    They critiqued what they felt was an unacceptable portrayal of gender: The three authors [of the research] condemned the [school]…on the grounds that it strengthened gender stereotypes… One teacher who received particularly severe criticism was a man who dared to speak to his students — all boys — about what it means to be a productive man.

    The teacher had said: One can easily see why the image of the man as the strong caretaker and the woman as the one-being-taken-care-of risks creating a patriarchal relationship that puts women and children in the same category. Where would that leave society? Jewish law asks man to take responsibility not because women are weak and needy, but because we, as a society, are needy — life is about love, so we have to make it safe to love.

    She — and he together — get to teach the world about love. Judaism — which is more into equity than equality — has no problem saying that men and women relate differently to relationships. Boot Camp for Men If we had to find one word to describe the difference between men and women in Jewish law it would be obligation.

    Men have to pray three times a day, and go out to minyan no matter what the weather. They have to put on tallit and tefillin. They are supposed to learn Torah every spare minute. For a man who takes his religious obligations seriously, life is a pretty obligating affair.

    Under the chuppah it is he who gives her a ketuba. Instead of casting him as a reluctant participant in a ceremony designed to rob him of his freedom — the unspoken message of wild bachelor parties held the night before a wedding — Jewish law casts him as the proactive initiator.

    He commits to her, he promises to support her, he obligates himself to take care of her needs. Giving her the ketuba under the star-filled sky marries prose to poetry: Love starts with my obligation to you. My responsibility will be the soil from which our love together will flourish. We can expect from both men and women that together they will understand that the cornerstone of life is love, and the cornerstone of love is commitment and obligation.

    A version of this article originally appeared in the Jewish Press.
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